I'm like "Nooooools! Basil has a friend and he's a smart arse and he calls him Bazzo and they like high five each other and stuff and Bazzo, I mean Basil, was really cool towards me as if he didn't know me very well and was all Hey Man, this is my dude from The States and I don't know what to do because I think this new guy Barry might be hanging around with him a lot and being a bad influence and stuff and I NEED ALL HIS TIME TO MAKE HIM FALL IN LOVE WITH ME!"

Nools was busy sorting through a basket of hair bands so I had to repeat it all over again.

"What do you mean Basil was acting like he doesn't know you very well? He hardly knows you at all" she said absent mindedly.

I sulked for a good forty seconds. "We've gone for pints, Nools".

She looked up at me and I remembered I'd told her that I just talked at him for half an hour before falling down the stairs and being rushed to hospital.

"But I see him nearly every day and we talk and stuff".

Nools put down the hairbands and sighed. "There's only one thing to do, Aoiphe. You have to get this friend on side".

"Make friends with Barry? Eeeuuuuuww! He wears ironic t-shirts with sweat patches under the arms and he says 'snort' instead of just snorting. Why would you snort anyway? I bet he really emphasises the B in 'obviously' too..."

Nools took hold of my shoulders as I was just ranting now.

"Make friends with the best friend and you're en route to becoming the girlfriend as the best friend will have no objections and the prospective boyfriend will like that you get on with his best friend, if you catch my drift".

I did catch it. But it was a drift I didn't like.

I gave up my Thursday evening to hang out with my mother in Dundrum Town Centre. There was purpose in my madness. As she was trying on a blouse with shoulder pads (why do they still make those things?) I told her it was really really nice and poor people in Africa would love to be able to buy something like that. She looked startled. Maybe I wasn't being very subtle but I was tired of trapsing around boutiques and wanted to get home for at least the second half of Ugly Betty.
"You should really consider giving some of your SSIA money to charity Martina. I can totally set up a small direct debit from your account every month. It's no trouble".

"Ok love" she said absent-mindedly, admiring the linen pants she had on her bottom half.

It was as simple as that. We dropped into L'Occitane on the way out and I totally scored a Mimosa hand care set off her for my troubles.

So the next day I went skipping into Oxfam to ask Basil how I'd go about setting up a direct debit as I like wanted to donate SSIA money. Better off in the Developing World's pocket and stuff. He was like "That's great Aoiphe. I think the details are on the Oxfam website."

Hello? Any moron can look that up. I wanted him to be so happy and impressed that he'd scoop me up in his strong arms and kiss me all over my face saying "Hey- that's so great for the developing world. I love you". I stood there going red with rage until he looked up from his music magazine. I gave him a dazzling smile (will be even more dazzling when I get my veneers). As I turned to go to the computer the door opened and some guy shouts "Bazzo! Dude! Give me a hand with my box of tricks!"

"Yo, my man. Hang tight" said Basil as he ran over to help and exchange a complicated high five.

Once they were inside the door, pleasantries exchanged, Basil spotted me with my mouth hanging open.

"Aoiphe, this is my friend Barry. He's just back from the States. Barry, this is Aoiphe, one of our volunteers".

"Hey Aoiphe," Barry said, staring at my chest, "I'm just totally clearing my gear and stuff. Snort".

He actually said "snort".

Who was this slob referring to my future husband as Bazzo and making him act like a fourteen year old? And why was my future husband referring to me as just another volunteer??

"Excuse me", I said, "I have to meet my friend Nuala".