Everything was going swimmingly. He told me that he was from Bray and I told him all about my mother going into labour in Switzer's and then me being suspended from playschool because I made fun of another toddler's hair and then being Marketing Director of our Mini Company in Transition year and how this led on to me getting a 2:3 Diplocert in Media Studies and all about my family and my house and Nools and her crazy gaelgóir spinster sister Milsean when suddenly, as if by magic I hear "Ah, Aoiphe! Conas a tá tú? Agus mahogony gaspipe leathras caca milis blah blah blah?" Obviously I have no idea what she's saying when she launches an Irish attack on me. Nools wasn't around to get her to ask her sister to make any sense. So Basil thought I was friends with someone wearing an aran jumper (with a necklace!!!), combats and Dunnes court shoes. And to top it all off her moustache looked more untamed than Courtney Love in a tumble drier.

I introduced them and she shoved her not inconsiderable hips in beside us.

"Listen", she hissed (nearly knocking me out with the waft of Guinness), "I'm glad I bumped into you. I've been asked to be a bridesmaid at my friend Gobnait's wedding" - she waited for the oohs and ahs from me that weren't forthcoming, in fact I always thought Gobnait was a laserbeam - "so I get to choose my own dress and I know you have sense of style ana mhaith".

"Well", I said, glancing at Basil, "You know that Oxfam Occasions, where we work, have a really good selection of formal wear. You should come in and have a look".

She started to describe what she was looking for so I looked past her into the mirror to check myself out. To my HORROR the overhead lamp was shining directly down on me looking like I had a super hairy top lip! I had bleached it to tide me over til my next appointment in the House of Wax but Basil must think I look like Hulk Hogan. Hurriedly excusing myself I went to run down to the toilets with my trusty makeup bag (which has more tools than a plumber's belt) but in my haste I slipped and careered down the 30 odd steps.

All I remember after that are blue flashing lights, sirens and Milsean's face with a bit of spittle in the corner of her mouth as she bent over me saying "Maith go leor lads, I'll call her parents and then see you in St James's Hospital!"