Well, massive redners all round. I can't believe the like total transformation in Yours Truly. I'm like Danielle in Cycle 7 of America's Next Top Model. At least I think it was Cycle 7. I never thought I'd be unsure about tv facts but I haven't watched any in so long. No, I'm not in a flat somewhere on the Northside (although I'd probably have like a million satellite channels if that were the case) but I've been living in Africa. I like to say "Efrikaw" like Meryl Streep in "Out of Africa" (Martina's favourite flick). I'm back for Christmas (hence blog update) but have been hanging out in Malawi. Well, more like working my ass off for Oxfam. I've met so many people and am having such a great time that I have totally let my roots go and probably won't even bother getting my hair done while I'm home. Nools met me at the airport and actually started crying, going on about the real me and inner beauty shining through and other such nonsense. Basically, Basil and her got together. When I think about it it makes sense. They're like totally suited and stuff. In fact, she's moving in with himself and Barry. After making a massive moron out of myself suggesting we become flatmates a few months ago Basil sat me down and said that they were going to live with a guy they knew through Mapi. He's called Derek and is from Malawi. He said they just wanted to keep it All Boys but I was welcome to call round whenever. I completely took him up on this (mainly to show them what a great flatmate I could have been). Anyhoo, turns out Derek is totally sound and I got to know him really well when the other two lightweights were asleep in front of a dvd or out at gigs or whatever. He told me about his country and all the problems there and how it's one of the places Oxfam has volunteers. So, I'm like totally looking at the lack of direction my life is taking and thinking I should do something good- not like adopt a baby like Madonna- but at least try to help them with my hands and my heart. And perhaps meet Angelina Jolie one day. The folks were worried sick about my decision until they met Derek and we told them exactly what I'd be doing out there. It's the Oxfam Livlihoods Programme and I'm working on a Youth Project co-ordinated by the village development committee. The kids are so cool. Zoe Ball came out recently. I was mega excited because I was addicted to "Grease is the Word", which she presented. She gave me gazillions of backstage gossip. The video is up on the Oxfam website and You Tube. I was in the bit where she visits the orphanage but they cut me out. I don't mind because I am becoming a dead ringer for Angelina and I'd ask for me to be cut if I were Zoe.

So I'm back 4 days now and haven't felt one urge to go to Dundrum, or even into town. I did all my shopping in like 20 mins on the Oxfam Fair Trade Shop and Unwrapped (I'm not brainwashed or anything). It's just that now I've seen how amazing the gift of an animal or even a toilet can be to these people so the Unwrapped section should be checked out. And the Fair Trade gifts aren't gack at all. I couldn't help but buy some jewellery for myself.

So I've never been happier. Derek's coming out after Christmas as well. I hope he doesn't cramp my style. I'm working it like Meryl Streep.

A.

xxx

So I was there on my bed rubbing Deep Heat into my legs when Martina knocks on the door. I'm like "What?!" and she's all "I just thought you'd like a cup of tea dear, after your weekend of rocking out". I thought if I didn't reply she'd go away but she goes "I'll just leave it out here. And I gave a bit of a wash to those wellies you left on the kitchen table".

She's SUCH an interfering old witch. I mean, I go to Oxegen for one day with my friends and she's acting like I've just come back from the Himalayas. I'm not telling anyone about the Deep Heat. The next thing my phone goes. I put Arcade Fire on it to impress Basil but at home I change it back to the new Enrique song. I'm going to have to be on impressive potential girlfriend duty all the time once we move in together though.

"What is it, Nools?" I say, thinking it must be important for her to ring me during Big Brother.

"Nothing really. Just seeing how you are after the weekend. What did you think of the bands? I saw you filing your nails during The Killers..."

"Listen Nools, I really don't have time for this. Ziggy's just dumped Chantelle".

I was about to hang up when she went "Wait Aoiphe, I have to talk to you about something."

"Go on" I said nervously, thinking she's like so got a bun in the oven.

"Well, you know the way you're moving in with the guys...Are you sure it's the right thing to do?"

"What do you mean?" I said, flabbergasted, "I've bought loads of stuff. I've been running it all by them. I think Basil really likes the rose themed crockery I picked up in Avoca and tomorrow I'm totally going to get that mounted print of the black man holding the white baby and..."

"Look" she interrupted, "You'll have to be on guard 24/7. You won't be able to relax and put on a face mask or cut your toenails in front of the tv" (she must have heard the clipping sound).

"I'll have my own room Nools?!" I reminded her.

"Yeah...but...well, did you not notice the way they were being weird around you yesterday?"

"NO" I said.

"Aoiphe, did they actually ask you to move in? They might just want it to be just them, or boys only. I mean..."

I hung up. Nools was dead to me. How dare she say those things? I turned off the tv and got under the duvet. I'd need all the sleep I could get as me and Basil had loads of work to do on Oxjam the next day. I was going to wear in my new Killers t-shirt especially.

So like totally crapola week what with the weather and all that. I went with Barry, Mapi, Milsean, Nools and Basil to see a gig by Rubbish Tin Box. The bassist was a friend of Barry's so it was totally like a charity thing and stuff. Milsean was pretty embarrassing. She was locked after like two Harps or whatever and she grabbed Barry's woolly hat and went around with it on shouting "I'm home with the downies, lads! Groove to the hip, man!" Nools has natural blinkers when it comes to noticing what a tool her sister is but as an only child I don't have to put up with annoying siblings so feel I shouldn't have to be tortured by anyone else's. So I went up Milsean and told her that Mapi (deep in conversation with Basil) was interested in learning Irish. Sure enough she wobbled over, tapped the clueless Belgian on the shoulder and shouted "DIA DHUIT!" at her. Score. Next I went and asked Barry if he could introduce Nools to any of the band as she fancied all of them (generally true about Nools) so he went backstage to find them as they'd just finished. He came back with some bongo guy and Nools eyes just lit up. I saw Basil heading over to talk to bongo guy as well but I cleverly intercepted him.

But couldn't think of anything to say.

So I just smiled (got my veneers last week so I totally look like I should be in All Saints). He just raised his glass and went to keep on going so I just blurted "Are you moving in with Barry?" I'd overheard them plotting and scheming.

"Em, well we're certainly thinking about it Aoiphe. He's found a really cool place in town and he's looking for a couple of flatmates. I'm in, but we're keeping an eye out for a third".

"That is SO AMAZING" I said.

"Why? Do you know someone who'd be interested?"

"Em, hello?! You're looking at her".

Basil just kept looking and I could see the ticker tape going across his brain like when they text in comments to BBLB: "Why does she want to move in with us?...She doesn't even know where it is...But she has a cushy number with her parents...She's never mentioned wanting to move out...Judging by her amazing clothes she probably has a lot of stuff...Judging by those soft hands she probably doesn't do housework..."

"We could totally get my Mum's cleaner, Thelma, to come in twice a week" I said out loud.

That's my problem. I say everything out loud. Looking at Basil I wished he'd just say anything out loud.

"Do you want to grab a coffee Aoiphe?"

I swung around hoping it was Basil but it was Fat Barry.

"Oh hi", I said, "You're in here a lot lately aren't you?"

"Well honey, I have like loads of cds to donate. I'm working through downloading them and then bringing them in here as I go".

Snoresville.

"I see you're i-podding it. Whatchya checkin oot?"

"Em, Girls Aloud" I said without thinking.

"Awesome. I totally LURVE that song the Arctic Monkeys covered. What was it- Love Machine?"

"I prefer the original"

Awkward silence.

"Who did you vote for Aoiphers?"

"PDs"

"Man, you crack me up you're so funny".

Yet again, I don't know how I managed to do that. I love the PDs. When I started out in PR I met Michael McDowell. He told me I'd go far, which I found touching, considering I was dressed as a courgette.

"So, hows about that coffee?"

"Not Starbucks"

"No way Jose. Basil told me all about how they're screwing Ethiopian farmers. Exceptionally not cool".

So I had to go for coffee with him. I decided to use this opportunity to play up Mapi.

"...and she's so great and she likes cool music and she'll never ruin an outing by not being able to walk as she wears very sensible shoes and she brings back totally amazing chocolate from Belgium and she can help you with any French translation you need..."

He looked slightly confused.

"Do you want to come to a gig with me, Aoiphers?"

"Em, I'm busy helping my dad with stuff at the moment so might have to pull out at the last moment".

He seemed quite sad then so I suggested that maybe we could go with Basil and Mapi. He brightened up a bit. Why am I so hot? I could maybe lay off on the fake tan for a while and not get my roots done but it wouldn't be worth looking like a total dog just to unattract Barry.

Maybe I could ask Nools and Milsean too. The more women in the equation the more distracted he'd be and I could go back to working on getting Basil up the aisle.

He shall be mine, oh yes, he shall be mine...

"What a mess" said Nools.
"I know, I mean she's only like the coolest chick around and they're like putting her in prison for totally no reason" I agreed.

"Aoiphe, I'm talking about Barry fancying you, not Paris Hilton going to jail" Nools snapped, grabbing Now Magazine from me.

"Oh yeah", I said, remembering that he is a red blooded male after all, "what's a girl to do?"

Nools was not impressed. "You need to focus his attentions on Mapi. Maybe encourage her to shave her legs and stuff". This was radical coming from big old feminist Nools. She was right though.

"Ooh! I know!" I said "I could arrange to go to a gig with both of them and then not show up, leaving them with each other".

As I ran down the road I could just about hear Nools shouting after me that I wasn't twelve. Whatever.

I skidded in the door and ran up to where Mapi was sorting cds.

"Hey Maps, wanna go to a gig?"

I wasn't sure if it was the "Maps" or the request to hang out that freaked her out the most but she raised one eyebrow and said "Absolutely not".

This was probably a good thing as I had no idea what I was going to say next anyway.

Back to the drawing board.

So lately Basil's been talking about all these totally obscure bands and stuff and it's wrecking my head trying to figure out who they all are. "Aoiphe, I didn't realise you were into NME" he said the other day. "Yeah, I just can't wait to em, download The Crimea's new album for free. It's a musical revolution and stuff, making quality sounds more accessible" I recited. Little did he know I had my handbag sized May edition of Glamour inside the grubby music paper.

"So what's the point of that?" he asked

"Well, they're going to make a profit from touring and merchandise" piped in Mapi. That infernal Belgian! She's always out to totally wreck my buzz.

"They'll sell t-shirts!" I shouted. Basil and Mapi looked at me like I was smearing jam on my face and carried on talking about podcasts or something lame.

The next thing Fat Barry walked in. "Greetings and salutations my fine people. I trust we're rocking in the free world on this glorious day". He put his frisbee on the counter.

"Do you want a game?" I asked. Saying this was like having an outer body experience. I don't know where the words came from but I had to make the first move towards becoming his friend.

"Ex- queeze me? You play frisbee, Aoiphers?"

"I love frisbee", I lied, "and swingball".

"Swingball!" he snorted. He broke down laughing. "Swingball Bazzo, did you hear that? Hilarious."

Basil started laughing and I joined in, looking at Mapi, triumphantly.

So, whatever the joke was, I was in. We went to Stephen's Green at lunchtime to play Frisbee, leaving Mapi behind because she wasn't funny enough.

Thank goodness I'd French manicured my toes the night before as I had to go barefoot to play. I was hoping Basil would find it endearing. I jumped and dived and when I got grass stains on my white DKNY jacket I just laughed it off. I was cool, I was frisbeeing, I was hilarious, I was exhausted.

Walking back to the shop Basil got a phonecall so Barry and I got talking. He seemed to find everything I said very amusing, especially the fact that I've named my shitzu after Enrique Iglesias. He seemed quite intellectual so I said that I was thinking of going back to college at night to do a higher certloma to compliment my diplocert. He said if he had a certloma he'd see an optician. I didn't get that but laughed along with him. For all his sarcasm, I did like his hearty laugh.

We got to the shop and I realised that I had to go back to my dad's office to pick up his post as he was off sick with his back. I said goodbye and headed off.

Later that evening I got a text from Basil.

"I think Barry really likes u"...

I'm like "Nooooools! Basil has a friend and he's a smart arse and he calls him Bazzo and they like high five each other and stuff and Bazzo, I mean Basil, was really cool towards me as if he didn't know me very well and was all Hey Man, this is my dude from The States and I don't know what to do because I think this new guy Barry might be hanging around with him a lot and being a bad influence and stuff and I NEED ALL HIS TIME TO MAKE HIM FALL IN LOVE WITH ME!"

Nools was busy sorting through a basket of hair bands so I had to repeat it all over again.

"What do you mean Basil was acting like he doesn't know you very well? He hardly knows you at all" she said absent mindedly.

I sulked for a good forty seconds. "We've gone for pints, Nools".

She looked up at me and I remembered I'd told her that I just talked at him for half an hour before falling down the stairs and being rushed to hospital.

"But I see him nearly every day and we talk and stuff".

Nools put down the hairbands and sighed. "There's only one thing to do, Aoiphe. You have to get this friend on side".

"Make friends with Barry? Eeeuuuuuww! He wears ironic t-shirts with sweat patches under the arms and he says 'snort' instead of just snorting. Why would you snort anyway? I bet he really emphasises the B in 'obviously' too..."

Nools took hold of my shoulders as I was just ranting now.

"Make friends with the best friend and you're en route to becoming the girlfriend as the best friend will have no objections and the prospective boyfriend will like that you get on with his best friend, if you catch my drift".

I did catch it. But it was a drift I didn't like.